she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
