I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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