I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
