My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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