Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
