It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
no, he came in my armpit
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
