A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
