Moan for me like Helen Keller
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
