so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
