I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
