i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
