Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
