My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
