Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
