If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
