I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
