happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
