Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
