You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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