She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
