I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We talked him into tasing himself.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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