5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
