Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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