it hurts more in the daytime
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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