I accidentally burped into my bong.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
