There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
