the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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