You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
