my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
