My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
