if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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