seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
