I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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