We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
