So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's rum buckets o'clock
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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