On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
