This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
