Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
