Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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