I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
