All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
