Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
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