Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
