I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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