So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
