i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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