Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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