shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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