you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
