Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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