I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
